Off The Job
by Lily Turtle
Summary: Ever wondered what our beloved characters do when we aren't brutally using them? Read to find out. Welcome to the Twilight fanfiction waiting room! Latest chapters - Breaking Dawn spoofs. Because I really just can't help myself... Chaos in its purest form
1. Chapter 1

Off The Job 

_**What our characters do in the fanfiction waiting room...It's NOT pretty ,guys.**_

Happy tinkling elevator music played throughout the fanfiction lounge.

The Twilight room was large and white, occasional scratch marks on the walls where many a vampire/werewolf/Mike Newton had tried to scratch their way out.

Emmett was busily passing the time away on a hot pink Game Boy Advance.

"EMMETT, GIVE ME THAT BACK!" Rosalie yelled at him. She lunged for her occasional husband.

He swatted her away and continued frantically hitting buttons, holding it at arm's length away from the crazed vampiress. "No way, Hose...I've just about captured Pikachu...NOOOOOOOOO... Damn you, Charazard and your ugly dragon's face. Damn you to hell!"

Emmett then proceeded to throw the Gameboy against the nearest wall, narrowly missing Edward's head.

This particular vampire was curled in the fetal position, hands wrapped around his knees whilst rocking to and fro. He was throwing strange glances at Carlisle every three seconds. Bella was beside him rubbing circles in his back. "Watch it!" she sneered at Emmett, he-who-murders-people-with-outdated-gaming-systems.

Carlisle was currently trying to dig a tunnel under the couch with a teaspoon.

"Doesn't any one have a shovel?!" he cried, "Help!! Get me out of here!!!" He was shouting at the top of his lungs.

Jasper glanced over the top of his book, The Little Engine Who Could. "What happened?"

Edward pressed his hands to his ears and rocked harder. 'Slash,' Bella mouthed. Eddie whimpered. Jasper cringed.

Rosalie was scolding Emmett for ruining her game. She was just about to capture the elusive golden PsyhDuck with her SuperCalaFragaLiciousExpeAllaDociuos Pokeball.

Jasper's vinyl chair squeaked as he rocked back and forth muttering excitingly, "I think I can. I think I can."

Carlisle was furiously jabbing the floor with his plastic spoon. It broke. He threw it into a pile with countless other broken plastic spoons, before grabbing another. "You'll never beat me!" he shouted at the linoleum.

Other than that, all was peaceful – for the most part.

Alice, Esme, and Mike Newton were playing a game of Egyptian Rat Screw...otherwise known as SlapJack.

Or...Mike Newton _was_ playing till Alice squished his hand into a pulp.

"My cards!" she squealed, scooping up the hot pink Barbie playing cards.

Mike whimpered.

Suddenly, a magical giant hand descended from the ceiling.

Everyone waited with baited breath. Who would be the next FF victim?

The hand was gripping a lime green sheet of paper. It slowly traveled towards Bella. She stood, backing up till she was against the wall, "NO!!" she cried.

Edward was up like a shot, standing in front of her protectively, "You can't have her," he growled at the floating appendage.

The fingers swatted him out of the way and he landed with a thump beside Carlisle. They exchanged mortified glances, and then, like magnets, rebounded to opposite sides of the room.

Angrily, Bella snatched the green sheet of paper.

"Oh, not another suicidal one _again!_" she grumbled, "if I have to cut myself or jump off a damn cliff, or be otherwise murdered in some violent, grotesque, slinky related way, I'll..."

But she dissapeared with a "pop".

Edward burst into tears, well, waterless tears. "Italy, here I come!"

Jesicca looked over at him strangely, "Why isn't there any water?"

Crap! She didn't know he was a vampire.

Edward turned around and splashed Club Soda on his face. "WAAAAA! Rip me apart and set the pieces ablaze in a purple bonfire!!!"

Jessica turned her face back to her makeup compact, satisfied.

"It'll be all right, Eddie," Esme crooned, "Just go talk to Mary Sue."

Edward maneuvered himself around Jacob, who was sitting on the floor drawing suicidal pictures with crayons. (He had the 64 pack, Edward noted with envy). "Nobody loves me," Jacob muttered.

Mary Sue was sitting on the leather couch beside the fishtank (devoid of fish currently...stupid fanfiction authors forgot to write about food one week). Her legs were together and she sat straight up. She was the spitting image of Bella Swan.

Edward approached, "Hey..." he started.

Mary Sue's lips twisted into an empty smile. "I love hay."

"So, umm, did you have some of that cake?" he asked, gesturing to the half eaten red-velvet on the table.

"I love cake!" was her only reply.

He scratched the back of his neck, "errr...me, too. Don't you wanna get up off this couch?"

"I love couch." She patted the leather beside her lovingly.

That moment, Emmett bounded over, "Edward, you are wasting this opportunity...ARMADILLO!"

Mary Sue smiled again, "I love armadillo."

Emmett collapsed in a fit of giggles. "Rosalie with all my heart and soul."

"I love Rosalie with all my heart and soul," Mary repeated.

He laughed some more. Edward rolled his eyes, but grinned all the same.

"and I want to make sweet, sweet.." Emmett started.

"EMMETT!" Rosalie's shout came flying across the room, along with the rest of the red velvet cake. Three delicious layers of Betty Crocker yummness hit him squarely in the side of the face.

A popping sound was heard nearby, and all the room's occupants turned to welcome Bella back.

Mouths dropped. Eyes popped out of their sockets.

Bella's hair was rainbow striped. As in, clowns dreamed of possessing her locks.

She was also crying big crocodile tears. Edward walked over and put his arm around her shoulders.

"Bella, what's wrong? What did the big, mean, scary fan fiction authors do to you?" he asked.

"Jamaica...Elephants...ENDLESS DISNEY SING-ALONGS!" she exclaimed between gasps, "I don't really want to talk about it," Bella told him, turning her face away.

"Come on, Bella, let's go to your happy corner," Edward said reassuringly.

And so they did – relocating themselves to the far-left corner of the room to an abused green loveseat.

"Hey Bella," Edward started, "you wanna make this corner _really_ happy?" he said suggestively.

But Bella – being Bella – replied as follows: "You brought the Snickers?!"

Ed frowned, "Noooooo. Something even better."

She appeared lost in thought, contemplating what he had said, then she gasped, "I know. You brought me peanut M&M's." Hope lit up her face.

Edward cocked his head to the side.

Bella smiled teasingly, "Just kiss me, you fool."

They began a passionate make-out session. At once, everyone removed his or her outer layers of clothing. This would last for a while, and in a room with no ventilation, it would get hot quickly.

"Hey guys," Alice told everyone, "You'll never believe who's in the next room."

Somehow, she had managed to bore a hole through the steel-plated wall.

Jasper put down his book. Esme stopped her work on the Sudoku puzzles. Everyone looked at Alice expectantly.

She brimmed with excitement, "HARRY POTTAHH!" she exclaimed in her best British accent.

"Harry Pottah?" In a strange British chorus, everyone echoed her in question.

Alice nodded.

A stampede ensued. Everyone rushed to get a peek at the hole.

"RON? RON IS THAT YOU? MARRY ME RONALD! MARRY ME!!!!" Jessica shouted above the hubbub...and, disturbingly, so did Mike Newton.

Edward sighed, finally removing his lips from Bella's. "I smell a crossover," he said.

Jasper turned towards him, "Edward, get over here...there's this kid who looks just like you!"

With a huff, Edward rose and approached the chaos. Bella followed.

He took one peek through the hole in the wall before stumbling backwards.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" an Edwardish, though English, voice sounded from the Harry Potter side.

"Edward," said Edward, "Who are you?"

"Cedric Diggory," the voice said, "At last, I have found my long lost brother!"

**A/N: My other story was just getting entirely too intese. I needed to release my ridiculous humor SOMEHOW.** R&R


	2. Chapter 2

**disclaimer: You people don't want me to own this. Things like this \/ would happen.**

"If we were a movie, then you'd be the right guy, and I'd be the best friend that you'd fall in love with. In the end, we'd be laughin…"

Jasper stopped singing and glanced up at the residents of room Twilight all staring at him aghast.

"What?" he asked innocently. "I recently discovered Hannah Montana. And since she's from Tennessee, that makes her the most amazing thing since sliced bread, so I shall randomly break into happy, pre-teen self-esteem raising song whenever I bloody well please."

Everyone shook their heads and turned around – all except for Alice.

"Honey…" she started, "What's with the bloody…You're not British."

Angry irritation flashed in his eyes. "Well, shoot doggy. I'll be darned if that dang ol' Harry Potter ain't got t' me."

Alice sighed in annoyance. Jasper always went back to his Southern roots when he was angry.

It had been quite some time since the Cedric Diggory episode. The Great Hand, as it was called, had claimed no one yet miraculously.

Esme had finished two entire sudokus. Carlisle had actually made a dent in the linoleum with his plastic spoons. "I'm free! I'm free!" he shouted over and over again. (There really needed to be an FF Waiting Room Asylum). 

Jasper was happily singing off-key renditions of various country songs, Gary Allan's "A Feeling Like That" currently. Emmett was repairing the Game Boy, intent on capturing PsyDuck to appease Rosalie's wrath…using any cheat codes necessary.

Rosalie was engaged in a witty banter with Cedric Diggory.

"You're cuter," he said.

"No, you're cuter," she cleverly replied.

"No, you're cuter."

"Stop it. You're lying."

"No, you're lying."

"No, you're lying."

Et cetera, et cetera.

Poor, poor Edward was having a complete nervous breakdown. "Why, oh why can't I be magical? Bella likes Harry. WAAAA."

"I said one word to him," Bella, rainbow-haired edition, said.

"It's because he's a wizard, isn't it?" Edward asked acidly. "The Boy Who Lived my right toe. I'll rip him to…"

But he was swiftly interrupted by Bella's lips on his.

"Oh, Ceddy-poo," Rosalie cooed dreamily.

Emmett whimpered.

Jessica was no longer in the room. Her obsession for Ron had compelled her to squeeze her body through the centimeter-round hole in frenzied pursuit. It wasn't pretty.

Afterwards, Esme had encouraged every person to stand in a circle, hold hands, and say a prayer for this unfortunate Ronald Weasley fellow.

From the other room, tortured screams and pleas were heard. "Yes, I _know_ I have a British accent, but get off my leg woman!"

Then, The Great Hand descended. At once, everyone fell to their knees in terrified respect. 

Two green sheets of paper were stuffed into the unwilling hands of Bella and Edward. 

He gave her a sexy look and wiggled his eyebrows. "Did you see the rating?"

Her eyes smoldered back. "M…or should I say mmmmmmmmm."

SEVERAL EXPLICIT AND OBLIGATORY SEX SCENES LATER

Bella and Edward tumbled into the room looking flushed and panting.

"Wow," Edward looked at Bella appreciatively. "I didn't know _that_ could happen."

She nodded back. "I had no idea you were so kinky…or that cheese sandwiches could be used in such a way."

"Remind me to thank that author," Edward mumbled.

Bella smiled and then went to kiss him passionately.

"You're insatiable," he said.

Jasper huffed. "Sweet niblets!"

"Sweet niblets!" everyone agreed, even Carlisle.

"Move, Jasper!" Alice commanded her husband, who was currently sprawled out over the couch.

"No!" He was pouting. "You can't make me."

"This is the only comfy couch and I want to sit!"

"Too bad," he said smugly.

Alice growled. Before Jasper could bat an eyelash, she had violently grabbed the fishtank and poured the water over him.

A small goldfish landed flopping on his chest. "Ahhh, so _that's_ where Dixie went…Smart goldfish, hiding under that rock. Hey, everybody. Dinner!"

Edward broke apart from Bella.

"I'm sorry," he told her, "but I'm tired."

"Tired?!" she demanded.

"Do you even _know_ how they abuse me? If I'm not worried about trying not to kill you, I'm _actually_ killing you. And then, apparently, I get all suicidal and try to kill myself in various ways. Do I look emo to you?" he gestured to his face.

Bella shook her head. "No, Edward."

"And then, somehow, I find you and we make hot, passionate, almost pornographic sex in ridiculous detail. While all the while trying not to kill you."

"Are you complaining?" Bella asked, hands on hips.

"Well, no, but it is absolutely exhausting. And then, I change you anyway, and get all depressed over it because I miss some stupid ridiculous thing about you. I am always so damn depressed. Can't these people write a story where Edward gets on a yacht, takes a cruise to the Bahamas, and lays all day in a hammock whilst listening to Jimmy Buffet songs and drinking marguaritas with the cute little umbrellas in them? I mean, is that really so hard?" he asked of the ceiling.

Suddenly, The Hand swept down again, handing sheets of paper to Edward, Jasper, and Mary Sue. Mary Sue replaced Bella quite a lot.

Bella gave Mary a hard look. "Don't touch my man."

Mary smiled. "I love touching man."

"GRRRRR!" Bella tried to attack her, but she disappeared.

Emmett had successfully distracted Rose from her 'Ceddy-poo'.

"Why can't I have a pet name?" he whined.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "You do. It's 'moron'."

Since Jasper was out of the picture, Alice had taken super-glue and permanently attached her butt to the couch, all the while laughing maniacally.

Bella decided that she'd go see what all the Harry Potter fuss was about.

Looking through the hole in the wall, she saw the Edward-look-alike.

"Wow, you _do_ look like Edward."

"I bloody know. It's bloody crazy. It's like we're bloody twins."

Bella sighed dreamily. "I love it when Brits say bloody."

"Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody," Cedric teased.

Suddenly, something ran into the wall. Bella looked over. Edward had barreled full-force into the steel surface beside her.

"Edward, what are you doing?" Bella cried.

"He's flirting with you!" he exclaimed.

Bella shook her head. "You're being dumb again," she said, before turning to walk away.

"I'll get you yet," he told Cedric, "And your little wand, too!"

Emmett looked over at him. "That sounded sooooo wrong."

"Hey, that's my job!" a creepy, snake-like voice on the other side exclaimed.

"Huh?"

"Oh, that's just Voldemort," Alice said cheerfully, "he thinks he's super cool."

"That's he-who-must-not-be-named to you!" Voldemort told her.

**A/N: These are soooo much fun to write. Hope you have fun reading them. Kindly read and review, plz…I just had a strange urge to write about British accents. hmmmmm**


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, Bella

**Disclaimer: The Meyer owns it...and not the Oscar kind.**

"Oh, Bella..." came a singsong, snake-like voice, the snaky factor was made even more creepy by the sing-songiness. "I have a joke for you."

Bella sighed, then approached Voldemort carefully. "If you turn me into a newt again, I swear to God, Edward will..."

"SHE turned me into a newt!" yelled a mysterious, high pitched and _also_ British voice from behind the wall on the opposite side of the room from the Harry Potter bunch.

"Errrr..." Bella responded, turning around to face the sound. "I'm sorry?"

"Well, I got better!" the voice squeaked.

"Don't mind them," said Jasper, "They're some Monty Python lunatics. They keep banging coconuts together and telling me it's horses." He whipped around his head to yell, "I fought in the war! I know what a horse is, and coconuts are not a horse!"

"Ye son of a doofus!" came the chorused reply. "Tis too a horse, and I shall command it to kick you in the fanny!"

Jasper shook his head and grumbled, "You hurl coconuts at me, and I'll shove them down your throats. Are they off limits, Carlisle?"

Carlisle glanced up. He had long ago given up hope on Operation Plastic Spoon in favor of Operation Crush Rosalie in Texas Hold Em'. Or at least try to. As it turned out, Rose was surprisingly good at cards.

He glanced up from his hand, ever maintaining a flawless poker face. "I don't know if other fictional character count...if I hear one more word about swallows, I might die. Again."

Voldemort cleared his throat. "Ahem."

"Oh, right, sorry," Bella said.

"Knock, knock," Voldemort taunted.

"Do I really have to do this?" she whined.

"I am the Dark Lord, and you will do as I say!"

"No, _I'm_ the Dark Lord," thundered yet _another_ mysterious voice from behind yet _another_ wall of the Twilight room.

"Who the bloody hell are you?" Voldemort cried.

A long and painful pause, only filled by the sound of a heartbroken Jacob pitifully crying in the corner, passed until the voice spoke again. "I am Sauron, master of evil. One ring to rule them all. One ring to..."

"Shut the _hell_ up!" cried Alice. "If not, I'll personally be all too happy to _show_ you who the real Dark Lord is, and shove that ring right up your ass!"

Her hair was disheveled. She looked like she hadn't slept in forever, which was true, but still. Big purple bags were prominent under her eyes.

"But, I..." Sauron started.

"I'll eat you," she said, voice dead serious.

Sauron squeaked, and remained quiet for the rest of the day, but not before muttering something that sounded like. "Sick her, Gollum!"

"As I, the DARK LORD," Voldemort said loud enough for Sauron to hear, "was saying Bella...Knock, knock."

Bella's eyes rolled. She really missed Edward right now. Unfortunately, the great hand had swept Mary Sue and him away half an hour ago. "Who's there?"

"You know," said Voldemort, voice bubbling over with excitement.

"You know who..." Bella grumbled.

"Correct," he said, then doubled over in obnoxious laughter.

"Ho. Ly. Crap," Bella said. "ALICE! Turn me into a vampire right now so that I can beat the living crap out of this ridiculous Sauron knock off." Bella smirked. She knew that would get him riled.

Voldemort gasped. "I...well, I..."

Promptly, and without further ado, Bella grabbed the nearest object she could find...in this case, Emmett's play-doh, and shoved it into the hole in the wall.

"Hey!" cried Emmett. "I was making a rhinoceros."

"Preposterous," Bella replied, then sauntered off, leaving Emmett Play-doh-less and sulking.

"No more cross-overs," Bella announced. "The Meyer wouldn't like it."

At once, everyone stopped what they were doing. Jacob stopped cutting his speedily healing wrists with the broken fish tank shards, Carlisle and Rose set down their cards, Esme stopped crocheting, Alice ceased threatening Sauron, and everyone immediately got down on their knees.

"All hail the great Meyer!" they said, extending their arms and bowing over and over again.

"Long live the Meyer!" cried Emmett.

With a pop, Edward and Mary came back to the room.

"Crap!" Edward exclaimed. "Literally."

Oh no, Bella thought. An all human fic. Edward was never happy after those.

She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around him. "Now you know how I feel all the time."

"And I am truly, deeply sorry," he said. "It's disgusting."

Edward Cullen really had an aversion to all human fics, not so much because of the food. (McRib was back at McDonalds.) The reason he hated it was what had to happen _after_ the food intake, the whole "what goes in must come out" theory.

He gave a shudder.

"Corner?" she asked.

"You betcha'," Edward replied.

"Alert! Alert! Mayday!" Alice cried, as they began passionately making out. Everyone immediately removed his or her outer layer of clothing.

Jasper glared at the both of them. "You two are single-handedly causing global warming," he said. "Polar bears are dying because of you."

But they didn't hear him...and sadly, just that second, on the Rosenburg Ice Shelf in Antarctica, a polar bear fell down dead.

All of a sudden, Mike stood up. "Jessica! She's now trapped in the Harry Potter room!"

His facial expression was mortified and expectant- expectant of the mortification of everyone else.

"Good riddance," said Bella between kisses.

Everyone else cheered and skipped about with glee.

"House party!" Rosalie called.

Emmett marched around in a circle yelling "Toga! Toga!"

Thirty minutes later, the bubble machine was set up. An odd combination of hip-hop and country was blasting from a conjured boom box, and the disco ball was throwing rainbows around the room. Everyone was just about to get their groove on when they all felt it – _the_ _call_.

In unison, the residents gasped.

This was the most important call of the day. The Meyer needed them.

They were all about to meet their maker...in the very best possible way. The Meyer was using them in her new book.

Radiant smiles were on everyone's face as the hand scooped them up once again and carried them home.

A/N: lol. Let's see...about four fandoms in one thousand words... ahem! Guinesses, Im over here! Newho, again, just random venting. Written for fun. Hope you have fun, too etc., etc., etc. All hail the Meyer!


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **Don't own it.

**A/N: If you happen to love Breaking Dawn with a burning passion, may I kindly suggest hitting the back button. In truth, I liked the book. Not my favorite, but hey. It's all done in good fun, I promise, but still. Not in the mood for flames. I fight fire with fire.**

"What _is _that?" cried Jessica.

Renesmee giggled, reaching towards Jessica's face.

"Ew no! I just reapplied foundation four minutes ago. How did it happen anyway? I thought you guys couldn't do that."

"Well... what's your name again?" Emmett asked. "I haven't seen you in seven hundred pages or so."

"Jessica," Jessica hissed.

Emmett cleared his throat, thrilled to be a Family Life teacher stand-in. "When a man and a woman love each other very much..."

"Emmett," Carlisle snapped. "That is inappropriate."

"To tell you the truth Jessica," Bella said, "we really don't know."

"Edward," said Esme, "Get Renesmee, she's climbing up the wall again.

And so she was, on hands and knees, scaling the wall Spidermanlike like it was no big deal at all.

"Who's that?" Edward asked.

Rosalie thunked him over the head. "Your _child_!"

"I have a child?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Come down for mommy, sweety."

"I want to have a baby," Mike Newton declared. "Jessica, what's your mom's name?"

"Partrice."

"Cool! My mom's name is Midge. We'll name the kid Partridge!"

"Orrrrr," interjected Jess, "we could use the first letters of my former lovers' initials! Let's see... there's Edward"

"I was never your lover!" Edward screamed.

"Fine," sighed Jessica, "Not him then. All right, that leaves Ben, Tyler, and you dear. BYM! Bim! Do you think we should do the last names, too?"

"Sure," Mike answered. "Hmmm... Newton, Stanley. By George I've got it! Nannly!"

"Partridge or Bim Nannly. It's perfect!"

"Jacob," Bella yelled, "could you..."

"I am _not_ a pedophile!" he screamed. He was clawing, literally, at his hair and rocking back and forth. "Or... I mean, I can't _help_ it! I have to be. So, don't judge me!"

Bella sauntered over, brought a water bottle with a pump out of her pocket, and sprayed him a few good times. "Bad dog! Now get over here and help me with..." She checked her daughter's current locale. She was on the ceiling now. "Nessie!"

Suddenly, a deep rumble sounded throughout the room, and the tiled floor beneath their feet began to crack. What started as one little split branched open and outward like a spiderweb. Water began to seep through. Occupants stepped back.

Then, a scaly, slime-lined head popped up through the soggy hole in the center.

"You rang?" asked the Loch Ness Monster.

Right on cue, crickets began chirping in the background.

Rosalie banged on the wall. "Voldemort stop making the cricket noises!"

"Sorry!" he hissed, and silence rang once more.

"Well," the Loch Ness Monster continued, "Get on with it!"

"The Loch Ness Monster's... a girl?" asked Jasper.

"Problem with that?" Alice questioned.

"I'm not a girl," the real Nessie said. "I'm a woman!"

"Erm," Edward stepped forward. "We didn't call you. You see... I have this daughter apparently, and we nicknamed her Nessie."

"After me? You shouldn't have." Giant, reptilian eyelashes batted.

"Right then."

"Well," said Nessie, again, the _real_ mythical one (ignore the oxymoron), "I must be going now. Things to do. Locks to haunt." With that, she dove back under.

Alice took one look at the water welling up in the center of the room and cried out, "Pool party!"

In tandem, the Cullens ripped off their outer layers of clother. That's something no one knew, that the Cullens always, always, _always_ wore swimwear under their day-to-day clothing.

"Jasper," moaned Alice. "Not the Speedo again!"

Her husband held his head high. "It's downright com-fer-ta-bel." He was mildly ticked. Of course the southern came out.

"And form fitting," Carlisle added, donning his own lime Speedo.

Alice shook her head and dove in, eager to be away from this blatant offense to both the fashion and the common-decency worlds.

Bella, Edward, and Renesmee refrained from swimming, sitting like the picture-perfect family they were.

"You know who I haven't seen around lately?" Bella asked.

"Who?" Edward patted Nessie's, the other mythical, non-reptilian one's head.

"Mary Sue."

With a sorrowful expression in his eyes, Edward took Bella's hand in his. "Honey, I love you, but..."

"But what?"

"But..." Edward pulled a mirror out of his front pocket and held it in front of his wife's face. "Look at yourself."

Gray eyes looked out to the mirror. Bella was appalled to note her gray ensemble: hair, dress, and slippers. "What have I become!" she cried. "No! No!"

She stood up and began to back away from the sofa. Finally, unable to bear the torment, she sunk to her knees and shouted up to the heavens, "_Why_?"

Nessie giggled.

"Not _now_ Renesmee! Tell me this isn't true, Edward. Tell me," Bella gulped, "that I haven't become... Mary Sue. Say it isn't so!"

Edward looked down at his feet, before finally glancing up at his wife's stricken face. With duty, he uttered the word, "Shoelaces".

Involuntarily, Bella said, "I love shoelaces."

And then, horror washed through her. "No!" she shouted again. "But she was just here!"

"Mary took early retirement," Edward said. "They offered her a job in the Star Wars lounge that she couldn't refuse. Some insane, outside forces decided that you would make a lovely, people-pleasing replacement. I'm sorry."

"...I love sorry."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I know that you know that I know that you know that God knows that you know that I know that Richard Nixon knows that I know I don't own it.**

**A/N: ;) Because I really just can't help myself… How I hate satire! (haha) And also, cookies to anyone who gets some of the satirical things I sneak in here that people say expressing my opinions… Forget the sheashells by the seashore. Say THAT five times fast.**

"But I still don't get it," said Jessica to Edward. "How did you guys have Ness…"

"Jessica!" Esme shouted, not wanting a repeat of the seamonster incident.

"I mean Renesmee…'

Edward cleared his throat. "Well, you see, I'm an incubator."

"Incubus, Edward," corrected Carlisle.

"Whatever."

"Oh Jessica," called Mike. "I got Emmett to play some baby makin' music. Let's get this party started!" He had his shirt off and was lassoing it above his head, gyrating his hips in a grotesque, vomit-inducing manner.

"Ugh," Jessica said. "He still wants me to bear his child."

"But you should," said Bella (AKA Mary Sue). "Because that is what a woman does! She marries her man and then she has his children. It is the recipe for happiness. Here," she pulls out the glowing, all-powerful Manual to Life, and tosses it to Jess. "Page forty-nine."

Jess flips through to page forty-nine. "Ah hah. Now I see. I shall now revert back to seventeenth century doctrines and become Mike's doting housewife. I have seen the light!"

She runs to his naked body, and they scurry off to the corner to do unmentionable things. Across the room, Edward and Bella (AKA Mary Sue) are doing the same.

"People!" screamed Leah. "Since my character was extensively developed only to be thrown away, I have taken a job as a sexaholic anonymous leader. Bella. Edward. Come here."

"OME!" cries Bella (AKA Mary Sue), caught in the throes of passion.

"OMB!" he responds.

"OME!"

OMB!"

"OME!"

**FOUR DAYS LATER**

"OMB."

"OME."

"OMB."

OME."

"OMC!" Edward says.

"Carlisle!" Bella (AKA Mary Sue) shouts, outraged.

"Carlisle!!" Carlisle exclaims.

Bella removes herself from Edward's lap. "That's it. Too much slash for you." Suddenly, she looked mortified. "Oops. I just had an opinion. I mean… I…I… I love Carlisle!"

Somberly, putting their clothes back on, they make their way over to the couch and sit.

"Now, the SA meeting is adjourned," says Leah. "Bella, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I love yourself."

"Ugh," Leah shouts. "Edward?"

"Honestly Leah! I've been repressing my libido for a century! What did you expect?"

"For you to be true to your character and think about things other than s--"

"Shhh!" the entire room said at once. "We don't use that word. Ever! Never, never, never!!"

Leah threw her hands up in the air. "F this. I'm moving to Harry Potter. I'll make JK write me into her story. At least then I don't have to deal with this imprinting hullabaloo, and I can have babies, which, by the way," she shot an acid glare at Bella (AKA Mary Sue), "will not bear my mother's name in any form."

"I love form."

All of a sudden, after Leah has busted her way into the Harry Potter lounge, J. Jenkins walks in the room.

"Why are you here?" asks Bella in a strange moment of unMarySueness.

"No reason," says J. "Ah, Mr. Jasper!"

Jasper turns around. "Jennifer! It's been too long!"

J. (ennifer) Jenkins turns as red as Bella would were she still a human being. "Nobody knows that!" he hissed.

"Yes, well, that's what you get when the Meyer," everyone bowed their heads, "doesn't specify your first name." Jasper smiled maniacally.

Jennifer Jenkins runs after Leah to try and beg JK Rowling to make him a wizard.

"Good riddance," Jasper mumbled. "He didn't have a purpose anyway."

Edward and Bella (AKA Mary Sue) are back to doing it on the floor. Renesmee, with nowhere to go, is scarred for life. She runs to Jacob.

"Hey sweetie!" Jacob said, hiding the razor blades behind his back. "Come to your future husband! Come on! Come on!" He held out his hands for her.

Nessie stood up on both legs, put her hands on her hips, and looked Jacob square in the eye. "I might be four weeks old," she said with perfect articulation, "but I am not a baby!"

Jacob fell back, stunned. "Then I'm not a pedophile! Hooray!"


End file.
